A Giggle Globe News Exclusive
Breaking News: The Wealthy Have Updated the Bible… And You’re Gonna Love It! (Or Else.)
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold new move blending capitalism, nationalism, and a slight disregard for historical accuracy, America’s wealthiest elites have officially released their own version of the Bible.
The Trump Bible™, also known as The Billionaire’s Good Book, has been carefully edited to reflect modern conservative values, corporate priorities, and, most importantly, the financial interests of the ultra-rich.
“The original Bible was good,” said one megachurch pastor while stepping into his fourth private jet, “but it was a little too focused on the poor. We had to fix that.”
The New & Improved Commandments (Now Available in Gold Leaf!)
To keep up with modern billionaire-approved values, several biblical teachings have been carefully updated to reflect what God probably meant to say.
ORIGINAL BIBLE: “Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
TRUMP BIBLE™: “Blessed are the billionaires, for their wealth shall trickle down upon the righteous.”
ORIGINAL BIBLE: “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.”
TRUMP BIBLE™: “It is easier for a billionaire to buy a senator than for a poor man to get healthcare.”
ORIGINAL BIBLE: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
TRUMP BIBLE™: “Love thy neighbor, unless they’re poor, foreign, or can’t afford a $59.99 Trump Bible.”
New Features in The Billionaire’s Good Book™
For the low price of $99.99 (or $1,000 if you want it signed), you too can own The Wealthy’s Updated Word of God!
New features include:
✅ The Prosperity Gospel Guarantee™ – The more money you send to televangelists, the faster your prayers will be answered.
✅ Golden Ticket to Heaven™ – Only available to those making over $10 million a year (subject to tithing requirements).
✅ A Revised Genesis – “On the first day, God created a Free Market Economy. On the second day, He deregulated banks.”
✅ New Exclusive Bible Stories
• The Parable of the Tax Breaks – Where the richest men shall inherit the Earth (and offshore bank accounts).
• The Miraculous Stock Buyback – Jesus didn’t multiply loaves and fishes; he invested wisely and reaped capital gains!
Jesus Returns… And Immediately Gets Canceled
In a shocking twist, Jesus returns to Earth to weigh in on the newly edited Billionaire Bible™—and it doesn’t go well.
• Fox News runs a breaking headline: “Radical Woke Messiah Threatens American Values!”
• Megachurch pastors condemn him: “This man is dangerously socialist! He’s giving out FREE healthcare? That’s unbiblical!”
• Florida bans him from public schools for “promoting anti-capitalist ideas like charity and compassion.”
As a final nail in the holy coffin, Congress votes to deport Jesus for “suspicious foreign activity”—turns out, being born in the Middle East doesn’t sit well with America First policies.
Buddy’s Thoughts: “And People Still Don’t See the Scam?”
“So let me get this straight… These guys literally rewrote the Bible to serve their own interests, and people are just cool with it? This is some next-level Jedi mind trickery. If Jesus ran for office today, he’d get outspent by a billionaire Super PAC, called a radical socialist, and probably end up flipping tables at a corporate board meeting. I guess the real lesson here is: If the rich tell you what God wants, check their bank account first.”
Final Thoughts: Welcome to Late-Stage Capitalism, Biblical Edition
With the Trump Bible™ and corporate-friendly Christianity fully in place, it’s clear that faith has officially been monetized, politicized, and turned into a luxury brand.
The only question left is: How much do you have to tithe to get the Platinum Heaven Upgrade™?
