“Good evening, America. Our top story tonight: Congress is tackling the nation’s most pressing issues—or at least, the ones that can’t be resolved with a coin toss. Today, lawmakers met for an emergency session to discuss the Budget Allocation Stabilization Strategies Act—better known as BASS. And, no, it has nothing to do with fishing, though some might say they’re angling for votes.”
Reporter: “That’s right, Jim. The BASS bill has sparked a frenzy on Capitol Hill, with heated debates breaking out over what counts as a ‘stabilization strategy.’ At one point, Representative Green proposed reallocating funds to a ‘Save the Sandwich’ initiative, arguing that grilled cheese is a cornerstone of the American diet. The motion was immediately seconded by Representative Brown, who shouted, ‘Make it a double decker!’”
Meanwhile, on the Senate Floor…
“Across the hall, the Senate continued deliberations over a groundbreaking resolution to combat inflation by renaming it ‘Economic Stretch Goals.’ Majority Leader Blue described the move as a way to ‘inspire optimism,’ while Minority Leader Red suggested they ‘just call it what it is—grocery shopping roulette.’”
Reporter: “Tensions escalated when Senator Purple introduced an amendment to include a National Donut Day Tax Credit, sparking outrage from the Anti-Pastry Caucus. The debate reached a fever pitch when someone shouted, ‘Not all calories are created equal!’”
Breaking News: Deal Reached on Something Vague and Unspecific!
“In a rare moment of bipartisanship, lawmakers have reportedly agreed on what they’re calling ‘The Unity Compromise.’ Details are still coming in, but early reports suggest it involves extending daylight saving time indefinitely while cutting all clocks out of the budget. Critics have dubbed it the ‘Timeless Bill.’”
Reporter: “But wait—there’s more! A provision has also been added to ensure Congress can meet remotely via Zoom to debate the hotdog’s status as a sandwich. Early polling shows 73% of Americans are more interested in this than the midterms.”
And In Other News…
• The Pentagon has requested $3 billion to investigate UFOs—this time for real, they swear. Code name: Operation Little Green Guys.
• A bipartisan coalition has introduced the “Great American Grocery Swap,” proposing citizens trade their bread for gas and their milk for rent.
“And that’s it for tonight, folks. Remember, Congress might not always know what they’re doing—but at least it’s entertaining.”
Satire Disclosure: This piece is satire and intended purely for entertainment. Any resemblance to actual events, people, or legislation is purely coincidental—though if it feels familiar, we’ll let you decide why.
